Back on the Wriggly Horse

Once more, I find myself luxuriating in my privilege, this time from a cushy bean bag seat in freelance-friendly cafe, laptop poised to receive my millennial musings. It’s 10am and I’ve just come from a morning Cross Power class, which I feel is the very heart of Dutch feminism. Walking in, there was a male straggler from the class before getting extra tuition from his female boxing instructor. Out the corner of my eye I saw them work through the last minutes, and at the end she cuffed his ear and did a few faux punches at his tummy, which he playfully ducked as he cocked his head to the side and giggled, feeling rewarded. I looked around me at Karina, our beautifully buff teacher and all the women around me with muscles that could eat my muscles and felt justified in my struggle to keep up in general over here.

So yesterday I was trying location changes to help my variety-seeking mind to sustain focus. If my brain is just tricked into either thinking its having fun, or that its moved on to something different, then I don’t hit a wall so soon. I decided to get an early start with work yesterday instead of exercising first, and was going by 9:30. At 11:30 Dan happened to come down to the kitchen for something and I launched into the distraction 100%. He knew what was going on and suggested I change location as discussed and move upstairs to his workspace, as he was about to leave. Eventually I did so and it took me a while but I managed to get into a flow again.

Just a note about what I’m working on at the moment – Before I can start with fresh inspiration I have to order the chaos of my old project into a Process Book format. This means, all the bits and pieces of things I’ve developed from the previous (failed) collection, needs to be ordered in such a way that I can refer back to it myself, as well as with teachers. Since I’m using the same idea as a foundation for this new project, it needs to be legible.
I got quite far with the last project – developed and paid for digital printing of fabric, paid people to help me sew garments and make patterns professional. Going through my ‘Almost doesn’t count’ is kind of draining, so I’ve decided not to loathe myself about what happened next.

Believing I was in control, I decided that going to the supermarket to get something for lunch was a good idea and that I would be walking right by the sweets aisle. Given the fact that in the past I’ve turned to sugar as a mind numbing morphine drip against stress, I now know to feed myself with things that help cognitive function, like protein-packed eggs, avocado or perhaps some lovely lentils.

Finding myself drifting towards the till gingerly clutching a double pack of brownies, a family sized slab of chocolate and the most processed of ready made wraps, I was binge ready :/

I made it through the brownies and wrap, didn’t eat the slab but spent three valuable hours of the day in a sugar coma watching youtube. Dammit! I was so ashamed to have to relay this sorry report when I was later asked, ‘how it went with the location changes? J ‘ I was comforted at least by the fact that I had gotten through 80% of the work that I had set for myself that day, during the hours that I did find focus. And also by Dan mentioning that working from home, on your own discipline, with no real imminent deadline is just hard for everyone.

I fixed it by finishing some home chores before bed, having an early night and therefore actually feeling up to a fitness class this morning. Now, I can also tick off having written my blog post (yay for unprecedented consistency!) and finish off the old stuff so I can move on to the new inspiration.

POA: Go home, eat, change, finish old process book, start the new one!


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